Could those zany Tea Partiers be any more fixated on socialism? As if it’s a communicable disease like the Ebola virus and a black hole in space. All wrapped into one tidy but lethal package.
I’ve been in countries the Tea Party considers socialist. And when I stepped onto the soil I’m almost certain I didn’t start bleeding from every orifice. Not that one remembers every detail while suffering from jetlag. But I didn’t wake up on my thin socialist mattress in a pool of blood. So I’ll take that as confirmation. I also have serious doubts that after contact with socialism we are forced to watch in horror as all our favorite capitalist products—cell phones, iPods, flat screen TVs—are sucked into a black hole. Destroyed for all time. Or until Judgment Day. Whichever comes first.
The president, says the Tea Party, is a socialist. Or the anti-Christ. One of those, if not both at the same time. I happen to have been to Hawaii, folks, and I’ve seen a copy of his birth certificate. Poor Hawaii has almost gone broke fulfilling requests for copies. At any rate, “anti-Christ” doesn’t appear anywhere on the document, which itself is entitled “certificate of live birth.” I know it doesn’t say “birth certificate,” but please indulge me when I say the titles are equivalent.
The Tea Party also gives the impression that anyone who believes in social welfare programs has been infected by socialism. We’re talking a lot of people here—50 million are currently on Social Security alone. Call me crazy, but I think we would notice if people were bleeding like zombies while lamenting their lost capitalist products. The Tea Party would do well to stop stuffing its arsenal with flyers promoting unconcealed weapons. Takes up room necessary to fit in thoughts that require logic.
There does seem to be one form of socialism Tea Partiers seem too shy to talk about. The form benefiting businesses and corporations. The libertarian Cato Institute, to cite a conservative source, put corporate welfare from the federal government in fiscal 2006 at $92 billion in direct and indirect subsidies. For comparison, that same fiscal year the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families cash assistance program paid out $9.9 billion in state and federal money to recipients that included 3.2 million children. The Tea Party is itching to dismantle programs like TANF. But corporate socialism? Tea Partiers are just perceptive in recognizing the sensitive side of business and industry. There are enough hurt feelings in this world as it is. I’m certain that tales of TP’ers who work for companies on the corporate welfare dole while self-righteously condemning folks on welfare as frauds are urban myths.
Are we sensing a theme here? Socialism is bad, except when it benefits individual Tea Partiers. Then it’s capitalism.
For example, two people the Tea Party adores are Sharron Angle of Nevada and Michelle Bachman of Minnesota. Each is engaged in a political slugfest. Ms. Angle’s running for the U.S. Senate against Senate majority leader Harry Reid and Ms. Bachman’s up for reelection to the House. Both ladies graduated from public high schools and public universities. Angle’s alma mater, University of Nevada at Reno, is one of the 70 or so land-grant colleges and universities originally made possible with federal funds. Could these ladies have been infected by the socialism bug!
Well, Ms. Angle wants to abolish the Department of Education as unconstitutional. How it’s unconstitutional is apparently not relevant, and you were rude to ask. Ditto her belief that separation of church and state is unconstitutional. If stating something’s unconstitutional makes her sound smart can you blame her for saying it? Even if she’s pulling her statement out of her butt? (If not her derriere, where else does it, and her other whoppers, come from?) According to Harvard Business Review research, people tend to trust an eloquently stated lie more than a not-so-elegantly-stated truth. Seems not to matter where the eloquent statement originated or what it might be covered with.
Ms. Angle, who wants to privatize Social Security and transition out Medicare, speaks proudly of her grandfather. He refused to take Social Security because he thought it was welfare. She’s as proud of her grandfather’s ignorance as her followers are of hers!!! It’s funny but following Angle doesn’t seem to lead you anywhere. Brings to mind what it must be like following a trail of slime. Funny how it leads only to the slug itself.
As for the madcap Ms. Bachman, she’s dead set on putting an end to public education. Her form of schooling will feature intelligent design taught as science. After all, she claims, “There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.” If only she could remember to add “just not here on planet Earth.”
Where’s a box of salt when you really need one.
Anyway, we all know socialism is what plagues those misguided Europeans, across the ocean living lives of quiet desperation. Wait. We capitalists are the ones out there perfecting all work and no play. But by choice. Because we love to be up before dawn and home after dark. We’ll take a two-week vacation if we must. But one week is preferable. Actually, a long weekend will do. All right, all we really need is a short break every now and then to run to the Coke machine. Or Starbucks, if we have a line of credit from the bank. Come on, we’re capitalists!