According to Rick Santorum, contraception functions as a “license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”
I don’t know how “things” are supposed to be where he comes from. But here on planet Earth we at least expect our political candidates to articulate their beliefs more concretely than “thingy thing thing.” But what’s really important here is: why do Santorum and others of his ilk only want to restrict contraception use by women?
Men have thingies, too. And men practice birth control. Because their thingies do things the same as women’s do. To deal fully with the thingy thing, don’t we also need to address restraints on male contraception use.
Well, here’s an idea: have Congress pass a bill restricting the use of condoms and vasectomies. It could look like this:
First, condom use on the male thingy is prohibited. Other uses for condoms are legal because we wouldn’t want to bankrupt the condom industry, would we?
Second, only unmarried men can have vasectomies. In Santorum World you can only have sex if you’re married, in which case unmarried men don’t need vasectomies. This logic should go over well in Congress.
Third, when a formerly unwed man gets married, he must have his vasectomy reversed. And, of course, he must prove to the state that the reversal has taken place. Graphic photos of his sperms’ liberation during surgery should suffice.
Fourth, it’s not legal for married males to have a vasectomy. They must prove their compliance to the law by submitting yearly to an examination by a physician who then reports the results to the state. Action against men who defy the law will take place in the following way: Anti-birth control police will kidnap, drug, and transport the offender to a back alley. There, on a table with his feet in stirrups, he’ll be forced to undergo a vasectomy reversal performed by a street thug who has an on-again off-again relationship with soap and water.
Punishment for disobeying the law? Offenders will be forced to undergo “treatment” that involves probing.